When are you going to start having kids?

There is a question that seems to follow every new marriage, and the question grows more frequent the longer you go along. That question is, "When are you going to start having kids?" Grant and I have been married a little over 2 years, and a lot of people wonder and are surprised when I say I don't have children yet. Especially growing up in an LDS community, where the main emphasis is get married and have a family. I've received the reminders from well-meaning people that the prophets have said to not put of having kids and that nothing should come before or prevent having a family. And of course there are those who have said that I shouldn't wait to have kids because I need to start having them when I'm young and my body is still healthy because it gets harder to get pregnant as you get older.

I don't mean to be rude, but how on earth is that any of your business? Having children is an extremely personal matter that is between a wife, a husband, and the Lord. Not anyone else, except maybe a doctor who helps in the process. You do not know what is happening behind the scenes when you wonder why a couple has not had children. You do not know the circumstances that may be hindering or preventing that couple being blessed by those tiny beings. You do not know what kind of heartache you may be unwittingly jabbing at by your comments or questions. Let me give you one person's scenario of why she doesn't have kids yet.

Imagine looking at every baby and yearning for one of your own. You and your husband have been trying for a few months now, and so far there's been nothing to show for it. Then one day you find yourself staring at a small, white plastic stick with 2 lines in a display box. You rush out of the bathroom to show your husband the positive pregnancy test. Then comes the flood of conflicting emotions. You are absolutely ecstatic that you are going to have a sweet, little baby of your own. You are absolutely terrified that you're going to be a horrible mother. Then you feel that instantaneous and overwhelming feeling of love for the tiny creature inhabiting your body. You want that little alien to be safe. You want to protect it. You want it to be healthy, so you make sure you are healthy. You are willing to completely change you lifestyle in order to assure that this little baby has the best chance possible of survival. You then spend the next few months reading everything you possibly can about your growing baby. You get to read about what the baby has at a particular week. You experience all the symptoms that go along with pregnancy: the nausea, the sore boobs, the heartburn, the wild and crazy emotions that never make sense. You also experience such sweet, tender moments with your husband as he gets excited about the baby. Your love for him increases as you are carrying a new life that you created together. Then you eagerly and anxiously anticipate that first prenatal appointment. You've been pregnant for 9 weeks now, and you've waited a long time to hear that heartbeat. You wait in the room with your husband. You talk about how excited you are to finally get to see you little one. Finally, the doctor enters the room, and she takes an ultrasound. Then you get worried because the doctor is not saying anything as she is looking around. She continues on silently until she asks how sure you are about your dates (first day of last period, day of positive pregnancy test). You have absolutely no question in your mind about the dates, but suddenly, you are really wishing you weren't so sure. You become increasingly aware of the silence, mostly the absence of a thudding heartbeat. Panic wells up in your chest as you worry that your child might not be okay. You feel your heart breaking apart piece by piece when the doctor tells you that she can't find a heartbeat and the baby is too small. You start crying as your worst fears are coming true. She gives you a small glimmer of hope that the baby might just be a really slow grower, so she will check again in 2 weeks. Those become the longest 2 weeks of your life as you can do nothing but wait and worry. You become increasingly paranoid about everything thing you do. Chocolate ice cream has caffeine in it so you don't eat it, even though you know it's minuscule amounts that shouldn't affect anything. A warm bath to soothe your aching back is no longer an option because your internal temperature could heat up and kill the baby. You worry about everything. You try to keep your mind off it, but ultimately you end up more and more stressed. Then the spotting starts. You try to tell yourself that spotting is a normal thing in pregnancy. Things could still be okay. But you still end up hiding in your room as you sob into your pillow. No one can comfort you. Your appointment is still 3 days away. You hope your baby can hold on until then. When you finally go in for your appointment you have been pregnant for 11 weeks. The same silence greets you while the doctor does the ultrasound. The baby hasn't grown a single bit, and there is still no heartbeat. The doctor gives you 2 options: you can wait for the baby to miscarry on its own, which could take up to 3 weeks, or she could give you some pills that will make it happen that same day. You are crushed as you realize there is no possible way to save this baby. You pick up the pills and strong pain medication before you head home because you can't stand the wait. You can't stop crying as you experience the most painful thing in your life, and this pain is both physical and emotional. When all is said and done, you no longer have that precious baby. It's gone. You feel empty and devastated.

Now imagine having to repeat this scenario a second time a few months later in which you lose twins. Then add on to that a third time a month after that, but this time you didn't need medication to help your body give up the baby because it gave it up on its own.

3 pregnancies, 4 babies lost, in the course of 10 months.

So before anyone wants to ask me when I'm going to start having kids, please think twice. Because even with this description, you still don't quite know the extent of what I've been through.

Where is My Worth?

I read a blog post by one of my friends that really got me thinking. I would suggest reading it. I wanted to leave a comment, but I realized anything I had to say would be a full post by itself. So here I am, returning to a blog that I haven't written in for a while that was mostly used for venting my frustrations and complaints in a juvenile and angry fashion (those posts should be gone now). Hopefully, I can turn this into something more uplifting. Anyway, continuing on:

My friend wrote about how the "Dove Real Beauty Sketches" video made her feel. I really liked the message it gave to women about how they are more beautiful than they give themselves credit for. My friend's complaint was that it still had women focusing on their physical beauty instead of other qualities.

In today's world, beauty seems to take such a precedence over everything else. It can almost seem implied that you have to be beautiful to have success, friends, relationships, etc. People admire those who are beautiful; it's a fact. There are a lot of other qualities that get overlooked.

I was recently watching a TV show, and in one of the episodes I watched yesterday, one of the characters was thinking of ending his relationship with a gorgeous girl because he found she annoyed him. He started getting frustrated by spending time with her. When he voiced that he might end things to his family, they started protesting because she was so beautiful and "how [was he] ever going to find another girl like that!" More value was placed on her beauty than on her personality. It really is a sad world we live in. It's particularly sad how wrapped up I tend to get by this notion.

I recognize that in the world's eyes, I am beautiful. I'm not saying this to brag or sound conceited; I am just not going to fake humility and ignorance. I was blessed with pleasant features. However, I feel super ugly sometimes. I'll look in the mirror, and I'll feel ugly because my eyebrows are growing too thick and wild, and I haven't had time to get them waxed in 2 months. I feel ugly when I sit and my belly bubbles over my jeans. I feel ugly when my hair just won't do what I want it to. There are many more things that I hate about myself because it's not considered "beautiful". I'll apologize to my husband when something isn't just right. "Oh, don't look at me. I look awful today." I sometimes joke with him and say if he doesn't shave his face, I won't shave my legs. He replies, "That will bother you a lot more than it will bother me." He's right. I feel embarrassed and ugly if I haven't had time to shave all week and those dark hairs start prickling up my legs.

Not even a year after I got married my pants size jumped from a size 3 to a size 6 or 7, and my sister, after having 2 kids, is a size 1. It was kind of hard to admit that my body was changing, and it probably wouldn't ever be the same again. My metabolism is slowing. I have to start watching what I eat. I had a little bit of weight gain from a pregnancy where my baby never made it past 6 weeks, and I haven't been able to get rid of it. It's only a little bit, but it drives me crazy sometimes. My husband sometimes laughs and tells me I'm too vain. It makes me mad, but he's right! Why am I so fixated on how I look!?

I shouldn't let it bother me. If I get too absorbed in it, how am I going to feel about myself when pregnancy gives me stretch marks, and my whole body sags and bulges a little more due to the change it underwent to bring life? How am I going to feel when old age comes and takes away my smooth, clear skin? How would I feel if I had an injury that left some disfiguration? Would I completely lose my self-esteem? Would I sink to hating myself more and more? I don't want that.

On my way to work this morning, I was really wrapped up in what my friend had written. I thanked Heavenly Father for the body he had given me, but I asked Him to help me to recognize and value the other things he had given me. Instantly, I was flooded with thoughts. I have a sound mind, I have a decent memory, and I have had relatively few challenges in learning. I love to learn. I love to read. Overall, I love to improve my mind. My most valuable possessions are my books, not my clothes or my make up or anything else to complement my vanity. I have been blessed with a love of music. I love singing, and my favorite song to sing right now is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". I have to ability to love and forgive (the two seem to go hand-in-hand). These are a few of the things that came to my mind after asking my loving Heavenly Father to help me see my worth beyond physical beauty. However, the most important of all is I am a daughter of God. He loves me, and He thinks my worth is great. I am destined to become a queen in Heaven if I constantly strive to live as I have been taught by my wonderful parents and the many teachers I have had in my life. He has blessed me with a sound testimony of the gospel and of Christ's atonement for me.

I know that He answered my prayer. I knew then and there that these things are much more important to me than my outward appearance. It will take time and practice to rewire the way I think about myself, but I know that I have great value and importance because of these thing and not because I am beautiful. I would much rather be recognized as smart or kind than beautiful.

Thank you, Penny, for sharing your thoughts. It caused me to re-evaluate myself and what's important to me. Now I can start improving and valuing myself for the reasons my Heavenly Father tells me I should and not what the world tells me I should.