When are you going to start having kids?

There is a question that seems to follow every new marriage, and the question grows more frequent the longer you go along. That question is, "When are you going to start having kids?" Grant and I have been married a little over 2 years, and a lot of people wonder and are surprised when I say I don't have children yet. Especially growing up in an LDS community, where the main emphasis is get married and have a family. I've received the reminders from well-meaning people that the prophets have said to not put of having kids and that nothing should come before or prevent having a family. And of course there are those who have said that I shouldn't wait to have kids because I need to start having them when I'm young and my body is still healthy because it gets harder to get pregnant as you get older.

I don't mean to be rude, but how on earth is that any of your business? Having children is an extremely personal matter that is between a wife, a husband, and the Lord. Not anyone else, except maybe a doctor who helps in the process. You do not know what is happening behind the scenes when you wonder why a couple has not had children. You do not know the circumstances that may be hindering or preventing that couple being blessed by those tiny beings. You do not know what kind of heartache you may be unwittingly jabbing at by your comments or questions. Let me give you one person's scenario of why she doesn't have kids yet.

Imagine looking at every baby and yearning for one of your own. You and your husband have been trying for a few months now, and so far there's been nothing to show for it. Then one day you find yourself staring at a small, white plastic stick with 2 lines in a display box. You rush out of the bathroom to show your husband the positive pregnancy test. Then comes the flood of conflicting emotions. You are absolutely ecstatic that you are going to have a sweet, little baby of your own. You are absolutely terrified that you're going to be a horrible mother. Then you feel that instantaneous and overwhelming feeling of love for the tiny creature inhabiting your body. You want that little alien to be safe. You want to protect it. You want it to be healthy, so you make sure you are healthy. You are willing to completely change you lifestyle in order to assure that this little baby has the best chance possible of survival. You then spend the next few months reading everything you possibly can about your growing baby. You get to read about what the baby has at a particular week. You experience all the symptoms that go along with pregnancy: the nausea, the sore boobs, the heartburn, the wild and crazy emotions that never make sense. You also experience such sweet, tender moments with your husband as he gets excited about the baby. Your love for him increases as you are carrying a new life that you created together. Then you eagerly and anxiously anticipate that first prenatal appointment. You've been pregnant for 9 weeks now, and you've waited a long time to hear that heartbeat. You wait in the room with your husband. You talk about how excited you are to finally get to see you little one. Finally, the doctor enters the room, and she takes an ultrasound. Then you get worried because the doctor is not saying anything as she is looking around. She continues on silently until she asks how sure you are about your dates (first day of last period, day of positive pregnancy test). You have absolutely no question in your mind about the dates, but suddenly, you are really wishing you weren't so sure. You become increasingly aware of the silence, mostly the absence of a thudding heartbeat. Panic wells up in your chest as you worry that your child might not be okay. You feel your heart breaking apart piece by piece when the doctor tells you that she can't find a heartbeat and the baby is too small. You start crying as your worst fears are coming true. She gives you a small glimmer of hope that the baby might just be a really slow grower, so she will check again in 2 weeks. Those become the longest 2 weeks of your life as you can do nothing but wait and worry. You become increasingly paranoid about everything thing you do. Chocolate ice cream has caffeine in it so you don't eat it, even though you know it's minuscule amounts that shouldn't affect anything. A warm bath to soothe your aching back is no longer an option because your internal temperature could heat up and kill the baby. You worry about everything. You try to keep your mind off it, but ultimately you end up more and more stressed. Then the spotting starts. You try to tell yourself that spotting is a normal thing in pregnancy. Things could still be okay. But you still end up hiding in your room as you sob into your pillow. No one can comfort you. Your appointment is still 3 days away. You hope your baby can hold on until then. When you finally go in for your appointment you have been pregnant for 11 weeks. The same silence greets you while the doctor does the ultrasound. The baby hasn't grown a single bit, and there is still no heartbeat. The doctor gives you 2 options: you can wait for the baby to miscarry on its own, which could take up to 3 weeks, or she could give you some pills that will make it happen that same day. You are crushed as you realize there is no possible way to save this baby. You pick up the pills and strong pain medication before you head home because you can't stand the wait. You can't stop crying as you experience the most painful thing in your life, and this pain is both physical and emotional. When all is said and done, you no longer have that precious baby. It's gone. You feel empty and devastated.

Now imagine having to repeat this scenario a second time a few months later in which you lose twins. Then add on to that a third time a month after that, but this time you didn't need medication to help your body give up the baby because it gave it up on its own.

3 pregnancies, 4 babies lost, in the course of 10 months.

So before anyone wants to ask me when I'm going to start having kids, please think twice. Because even with this description, you still don't quite know the extent of what I've been through.

Where is My Worth?

I read a blog post by one of my friends that really got me thinking. I would suggest reading it. I wanted to leave a comment, but I realized anything I had to say would be a full post by itself. So here I am, returning to a blog that I haven't written in for a while that was mostly used for venting my frustrations and complaints in a juvenile and angry fashion (those posts should be gone now). Hopefully, I can turn this into something more uplifting. Anyway, continuing on:

My friend wrote about how the "Dove Real Beauty Sketches" video made her feel. I really liked the message it gave to women about how they are more beautiful than they give themselves credit for. My friend's complaint was that it still had women focusing on their physical beauty instead of other qualities.

In today's world, beauty seems to take such a precedence over everything else. It can almost seem implied that you have to be beautiful to have success, friends, relationships, etc. People admire those who are beautiful; it's a fact. There are a lot of other qualities that get overlooked.

I was recently watching a TV show, and in one of the episodes I watched yesterday, one of the characters was thinking of ending his relationship with a gorgeous girl because he found she annoyed him. He started getting frustrated by spending time with her. When he voiced that he might end things to his family, they started protesting because she was so beautiful and "how [was he] ever going to find another girl like that!" More value was placed on her beauty than on her personality. It really is a sad world we live in. It's particularly sad how wrapped up I tend to get by this notion.

I recognize that in the world's eyes, I am beautiful. I'm not saying this to brag or sound conceited; I am just not going to fake humility and ignorance. I was blessed with pleasant features. However, I feel super ugly sometimes. I'll look in the mirror, and I'll feel ugly because my eyebrows are growing too thick and wild, and I haven't had time to get them waxed in 2 months. I feel ugly when I sit and my belly bubbles over my jeans. I feel ugly when my hair just won't do what I want it to. There are many more things that I hate about myself because it's not considered "beautiful". I'll apologize to my husband when something isn't just right. "Oh, don't look at me. I look awful today." I sometimes joke with him and say if he doesn't shave his face, I won't shave my legs. He replies, "That will bother you a lot more than it will bother me." He's right. I feel embarrassed and ugly if I haven't had time to shave all week and those dark hairs start prickling up my legs.

Not even a year after I got married my pants size jumped from a size 3 to a size 6 or 7, and my sister, after having 2 kids, is a size 1. It was kind of hard to admit that my body was changing, and it probably wouldn't ever be the same again. My metabolism is slowing. I have to start watching what I eat. I had a little bit of weight gain from a pregnancy where my baby never made it past 6 weeks, and I haven't been able to get rid of it. It's only a little bit, but it drives me crazy sometimes. My husband sometimes laughs and tells me I'm too vain. It makes me mad, but he's right! Why am I so fixated on how I look!?

I shouldn't let it bother me. If I get too absorbed in it, how am I going to feel about myself when pregnancy gives me stretch marks, and my whole body sags and bulges a little more due to the change it underwent to bring life? How am I going to feel when old age comes and takes away my smooth, clear skin? How would I feel if I had an injury that left some disfiguration? Would I completely lose my self-esteem? Would I sink to hating myself more and more? I don't want that.

On my way to work this morning, I was really wrapped up in what my friend had written. I thanked Heavenly Father for the body he had given me, but I asked Him to help me to recognize and value the other things he had given me. Instantly, I was flooded with thoughts. I have a sound mind, I have a decent memory, and I have had relatively few challenges in learning. I love to learn. I love to read. Overall, I love to improve my mind. My most valuable possessions are my books, not my clothes or my make up or anything else to complement my vanity. I have been blessed with a love of music. I love singing, and my favorite song to sing right now is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". I have to ability to love and forgive (the two seem to go hand-in-hand). These are a few of the things that came to my mind after asking my loving Heavenly Father to help me see my worth beyond physical beauty. However, the most important of all is I am a daughter of God. He loves me, and He thinks my worth is great. I am destined to become a queen in Heaven if I constantly strive to live as I have been taught by my wonderful parents and the many teachers I have had in my life. He has blessed me with a sound testimony of the gospel and of Christ's atonement for me.

I know that He answered my prayer. I knew then and there that these things are much more important to me than my outward appearance. It will take time and practice to rewire the way I think about myself, but I know that I have great value and importance because of these thing and not because I am beautiful. I would much rather be recognized as smart or kind than beautiful.

Thank you, Penny, for sharing your thoughts. It caused me to re-evaluate myself and what's important to me. Now I can start improving and valuing myself for the reasons my Heavenly Father tells me I should and not what the world tells me I should.

It finally happened!

Well, I am married! The wedding turned out beautiful. Everything went smoothly. Getting ready for the wedding, we were all pretty relaxed about it. My bridesmaids came upstairs and found me kicked back on a rocking chair just reading my book. I wasn't around the rest of the house once my hair was done, so I didn't really know what it was like, but all the comments were about how surprise everyone was at how relaxed everything was and how it was hectic and stressed.

Grant and I went to the Anniversary Inn down in SLC for the weekend. We went out to grab lunch and went to Temple Square. The only problem was, both of us forgot casual shoes, so I was wearing jeans and a t shirt with my heels, and Grant was in a t shirt, jeans, and his shiny, black shoes that came with his tux. My feet were on fire when we reached temple square. I could feel the blisters starting. We opted to stay in the hotel for dinner. Another thing about the hotel is we discovered the existence of ninja maids. I heard them talking. Their supply closet was right outside our door. However, we never saw them. They would knock on our door when they delivered our breakfast, but when Grant opened the door, they were nowhere. He even ran to the door on the second morning and looked both ways down the hall, and there was still no sign of them.

Upon arriving back to everyday life on Monday, we realized that we had a lot to do. We opened all of our present, but since we are staying with his parents for a while, we won't be using a lot of them until we move out, so we need to figure out where to store all of those. We also need to finish getting me unpacked, but we both lose motivation very quickly to get much done. We at least cleaned the room so we could move around. When I moved all my stuff over on Saturday, we just threw everything in there as quickly as possible so we could help get ready for the wedding. But that's clean now. I've been still looking for a job, so I've been in charge of cleaning while Grant is at work. I definitely need to improve some hahaha! And I guess Grant's mom is going to set up a cooking chart where we'll be taking turns making dinner. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to that. I don't really like cooking, and I'm not all that good at it. But while we're staying here, we need to help out with anything they need since they're not charging us any rent.

I'm getting married soon!!!!!

There are only 5 days left until I am married to the most wonderful man in the world! I can count them on 1 hand. Oh my goodness! I'm excited! So far things have been going mostly smooth with our plans. We have our marriage license, most of my stuff is getting unpacked into Grant's room, we're getting the decorations all together, etc. However, we have had our troubles. My bridesmaids have been having troubles fitting in their dresses. One had to go buy a new dress because she can't fit at all, so we're going to try to use her dress to fit the other one that is having the most troubles. I am hoping and praying that everything will work out. Hopefully, Grant and his groomsmen don't have this much trouble. But I guess it could be worse.

I have had 2 wonderful bridal showers. One was given by my sister on the day after I moved back to Utah, and the other one was given by 2 of Grant's aunts. I had a lot of fun at both. At the first one, I got to see some good friends. At the second, I got to know Grant's family better and have fun with them. Last Saturday, my bridesmaids threw a bachelorette party for me. It was kind of awkward in some ways, really embarrassing in a lot of ways, but it was really fun overall. And don't worry, there was no alcohol or strippers...thank goodness hahaha!

So far I have been doing a ton of job hunting. I keep getting called in for interviews, but so far no luck. I just had an interview today, and if they want to hire me, I would start on Wednesday. That would be kinda crazy, but I could do that if I had to.

The craziest thing of all the things going on is I'M GETTING MARRIED ON SATURDAY!!!! Holy cow! That'll be weird. Hahaha! 5 days until my entire life changes. I can't wait...though I'm trying to be as patient as possible.

Plans are underway...This thing is actually happening!!!

I've been visiting Utah this week. I've been using it to get as much done for the wedding as possible. Grant and I sat down with his parents Sunday night and figured out everything we need to get done and who is going to be in charge of paying for what. Thankfully, Grant has been saving money from every paycheck for the past little while, so we have some money to work with. We're in charge of invitations and decorations. Grant's parents are going to try to take care of the rest. Monday, we set to work on our assignments. Grant has a guy at work who is willing to design our invitations, and he found a place where we could print 500 invitations for about $80. Meagan helped us go through our engagement pictures. We narrowed it down from 409 to 17. She also went through and edited them all that same night. She is amazing at what she does. If you would like to see those go to her blog, Alta Photography. She's also doing my bridal pictures, and she's making all my bridesmaids dresses. I sometimes think my sister has some secret super power of amazingness that she's not telling me about hahaha!

I'm super excited at how this is actually coming together. We've been talking about our wedding for quite a while, and I've slowly been planning along the way, but I feel like it's actually happening now. Things are actually underway and getting done. August won't come soon enough, but at the same time it'll come too fast hahaha! But I'm sure we'll get everything done in time.

I'm engaged!!!!!!!!!

I'm engaged to Grant!!!! Hahaha I'm so happy and excited! So I guess I should probably tell you how it happened.

Grant had mentioned that he wanted to go on a hike before it got too cold. So we had planned that for Oct. 20. Once he was out of work, he came to get me. We went to Adam's canyon. I felt so pathetic because I had to keep stopping to catch my breath about every 2 switchbacks. Honestly, that's the hardest part of the hike. It kills me every time. After that I actually enjoyed the hike. It was a perfect day. The sun was shining, and the temperature was very nice. And the trees were all different colors. I love Autumn! During the hike, Grant would slow down significantly and start texting, so I teased him about not being able to do two things at the same time. We came to a bridge and stopped for a little while to look at the stream. Then we hike on a little further. We came to a spot where we had been before. It's a small plateau/cliff area that's out of the way of passerbys. When we reached the spot, there was a picnic all laid out for us. There was a sign that said "Steab-party of two". It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. We ate our meal, looking over the valley. Once we were both done, Grant said, "There might be some dessert in here." He opened the picnic bag, pulled out the ring, and asked, "Laura Rae Denhalter, will you marry me?" I said yes of course. Then two of my friends came out of the bushes and started taking pictures of us. Cora and Stephanie had hiked up before us and set everything up.

So I'm now engaged to the most amazing man alive!

My first time disliking someone I work with....

The new morning aide that I work with is driving me insane! She keeps changing everything and pulls out the seniority card whenever I disagree with something she's doing...or more often what she's telling me to do. She's been telling me that we need to do this and this and this with the girl we work with. I've been working with this little girl since she was in kindergarten; this is going to be my 4th year with her. I've learned a lot about *Kayla*. I know her needs and capabilities. I also know my abilities. The aide is suggesting that we take Kayla out of her wheelchair and run around with her at recess and P.E.. I feel that is dangerous, and knowing me and my marvelous balance, I would end up tripping and landing on her. I've also learned that this aide is taking notes on me. In these notes, she wrote, "Afternoon aide cannot lift student." I can lift Kayla as much as she needs to be lifted. I just don't trust myself to run around with her...I don't know how much I trust the morning aide to do that either. Thankfully, Kayla doesn't trust the other aide right now, so she won't allow her to get her out of her chair.

The latest thing that this morning aide did was change my schedule. What made her think she has the right to change my schedule without consulting me?? Normally I work 17.5 hours a week Monday-Thursday. That's the schedule that I've had for the past 3 years. I plan things around that schedule. The morning aide agreed to work at the school knowing ahead of time what her schedule would be. But she's decided it's not fair that I don't work on Fridays, and she does. She complained that she couldn't work every Friday...even though that's what she has been doing during her 24 years as an aide. She informed me that I would have to work on the 1st and 4th Friday of every month. If I can't work the Friday, then I have to get a sub, and I lose the hours and money. She has more hours than I do, and higher pay. I don't think it's fair for me to lose the small amount of money I earn just because she suddenly doesn't like the schedule. It's just really making me mad. I don't show my anger to her, of course. The teacher could tell just by the way to other aide has been acting that there were soon going to be problems. So it's not just me noticed what a b-word she's been. I haven't enjoyed a single day of work because she's been there telling me how to do my job and going on about her 24 years of experience whenever I disagree. I'm sorry I haven't been alive for most of that. But I have the seniority with this job because I've been here longer. Ugh!!! I wish she'd go away and leave me alone.